[audience laughing]
What are those?
Since you said, I could go to a regular school,
I got brochures for every private school in the area.
You know what? Everybody's gonna want you,
because you're like LeBron James coming out of high school. [grunts]
School!
Ooh, we should hold a press conference.
Skyler! Skyler Washington!
Headmasters wanna know where you're taking your talent.
Excuse me. Will it be...
Pine Academy? Will it be...
Keiner Prep? Or maybe it could be...
St. Jerome's School for...
Boys? Probably not that one.
[audience laughing]
I'm not at liberty to discuss my decision at this time.
Okay. Your mother and I can look through these
and come up with something that suits you just fine.
Or...
I could make a spreadsheet, plug in all the info,
and then build a mathematical model to compare the pros and the cons.
Yeah! Build a math thing.
That's what we was gonna do in the first place.
But it wouldn't hurt if we had, like, two...
- math things. - [audience laughing]
- Joey, it smells good in here. - Yep.
- And you even set the table. - Mm-hmm.
One too many settings, though. Veronica's not coming home tonight.
Why not?
Oh, she missed the last train,
- so she had to stay at Malik's. - Again?
Someone should get that girl a schedule.
[audience laughing]
So let me get this straight. I go away on tour, I come home,
and Veronica's just staying at her boyfriend's house
- whenever she wants? - No!
I made it very clear that I didn't feel comfortable
with her sleeping there, unless, she had a really good reason.
So, missing the last train is what we've been going with.
[audience laughing]
You know that girl ain't never been on a train in her life.
Veronica is 22 years old. She's gonna do what she's gonna do.
And Malik's a good kid. Come on.
He is a community organizer.
I'm not saying I know what that means,
[audience laughing]
...but he is very young Barack-y.
- [audience laughing] - When did they get so serious?
I don't want Veronica moving out the house.
I don't think you have to worry about that, right now,
but eventually, it's gonna happen.
Not necessarily. God willing, she'll be a shriveled-up old maid
and live with us till the day we die.
Anyway, I got to talk to you about something else.
I got an invitation from Maya Keller.
Her husband's having a soft launch at his new restaurant.
Curtis Keller's new spot? This is the type of news I wanna hear.
Well, it's tomorrow night, and I'm really excited about it.
- He's the best. - He is.
Thing is, I don't want you to come.
- What? - Joey, this is a business event.
This is gonna be the perfect crowd for me to pitch the Hip-Hop Sip-Stop.
So pitch away.
I'm just there to appreci-"eat" his famous oxtail dumplings.
Well, if you're there, it's gonna be the MC Joe Speed show.
''How you doing, MC Joe Speed?''
''What's it like back in the day, MC Joe Speed?''
''Rap for me, MC Joey Speed.''
But I'm retired.
''How does it feel being retired, MC Joe Speed?''
Come on.
Joey, this is the chance for me to form my own public identity
as a businesswoman.
And I support you pursuing your dreams.
We're a team. So, let's just go to the spot together
and make your dreams come true. Hands in the middle?
Joey, it's a no. I got invited, you didn't.
''It's like that, and that's the way it is.''
That's just stupid.
[audience laughing]
Hey, killer game, Derek.
- Sorry I had to dominate like that. - [both laugh]
It's all right, man.
I'll catch up with you at the party tomorrow night.
- What party? - Trey's party.
- Trey's having a party? - Ooh. Nope!
See ya.
- [audience laughing] - [door opening and closing]
That doesn't make any sense.
Yo, Doug, you going to Trey's party tomorrow night?
[phone beeps]
"Yes."
Yes?
If Doug's going to the party, that means there is a party.
Sounds like tight logic.
No, but I didn't get an invite.
Didn't get invited to a fun party you might've enjoyed.
You know what you do? You get used to it.
What? Why?
'Cause in life, the people that you thought loved you...
will hurt you...
[audience laughing]
...and cause you to miss out on delicious things.
- [audience laughing] - What?
♪ All about the Washingtons ♪
[rapping]
♪ All about the Washingtons Ooh-ooh! ♪
- Hey, Dad? - Nope.
- Can I have... - Nah-ah!
- But I'm... - Not gonna happen.
- Okay! Love you. - Love you, too.
[audience laughing]
- Hey, guys. - What's the matter, baby?
Joey, why didn't you tell me something's up with Veronica?
She just walked in the room, and nothing's up. Is anything up?
Yeah, something's up, for sure.
- Come and talk to me. What's going on? - Okay. [clears throat]
I found something in Malik's apartment.
Something really weird. I freaked out, and I just had to leave.
Yeah, I had that experience in your brother's bedroom, but go ahead.
What did you find?
Okay, so, I was looking through Malik's drawers trying to find some...
Um...Okay, I was just looking through his drawers.
- Don't do that. - As you should.
And...I found...
this.
A wedding magazine?
Yeah, what kind of guy has a big glossy bridal magazine hidden away in his drawer?
- No kind of guy. - Okay.
- Are you sure Malik bought it? - Bought it? I wish.
His name is on it. He subscribes.
Okay, let's just chill. This could be anything.
Yeah, it could be anything.
But it is one thing; he wants to marry you.
Marry me? I'm too young to be married, Mom.
I thought this relationship wasn't that serious.
I didn't think it was.
You guaranteed me that she'd be with us, until she's an old shriveled-up maid...
- I did not say that. I didn't say that. - [phone beeps]
It's Malik. He says he wants to take me out to a fancy dinner, tonight.
He never takes me out to fancy dinners. That must mean he's gonna propose.
Okay, Veronica, calm down. No matter what happens,
it's gonna be a beautiful wedding!
I don't want a beautiful wedding.
Listen, if you're gonna get married, it might as well be beautiful.
Okay, stop! Are you marrying this dude?
No way. I promise.
- Good. [sighs] - [audience laughing]
Can you believe Malik didn't even ask me for permission to marry my daughter?
It's not very Barack-y.
- [audience laughing] - [chattering]
Oh! Wow!
You didn't push me hard enough.
Hey, there's something wrong with that Malik dude.
- I'm telling you, man. - I mean, who would be okay...
- with you as a father-in-law? [laughs] - [audience laughing]
Oh, by the way, what are you doing tomorrow night?
My woman is busy,
and I got a plus-one to the opening of the new Curtis Keller restaurant, dawg.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
Man, that would be dope. I can't.
- Why not? - Justine got an invite.
And she doesn't want me to go.
She's got this new business that she's putting together,
and she says every time I come around,
it's always the MC Joe Speed show, because I'm this legendary rapper,
- Absolutely. - ...and I pioneered hip-hop,
and I got, you know, I got the Platinum Grammy.
You ain't got no Platinum Grammy, 'cause there's no such thing, Joey.
You saw it. It's not the same color. It's a Platinum Grammy.
Okay. It's a Platinum Grammy, Joey.
So anyway, Justine wants to hobnob with the bigwigs
and rub elbows with the Gelbows.
- Gelbows? - I just made that up.
Rich family, gives a lot of money to charity. Anyway...
[audience laughing]
I told her I wanted to go, and she was, like,
"I got invited, you didn't. Deal with it."
Okay, so now you've been invited, by me.
Oh, man, I think she wants this night to herself, dude.
What's the problem? It's not, like, you want to work the room.
At a Curtis Keller restaurant?
I want to eat the room and anything that's not nailed down.
- And the stuff that's nailed down? - Eat around the nail.
Yeah, there's gonna be a lot of people there, man.
We'll just, like, stick to the perimeter
- Mm-hmm! - and loom in the shadows.
- Right.
Justine won't know we're there. She won't see us.
- But what if she does? - Oxtail dumplings, Joey?
I think my marriage can take the hit. [grunts]
[audience laughing]
It's so hard to decide.
Right? So many good choices.
- [sighs] Some are so loose. - I know.
Pine Academy student code of conduct is incredibly lenient.
Skyler, which one?
Don't you get dressed every day?
Yes, but I want people to take me seriously,
as a businesswoman.
You can't climb the ladder of success...
in the costume of failure.
Whoo! I like that.
I've been getting my business education.
You see that stack of books there?
I didn't read 'em yet.
[audience laughing]
Okay, Malik is gonna be here any minute. How do I look?
[audience laughing]
You look kind of...bad.
- Good. - [audience laughing]
What?
[audience laughing]
Hey, you're messing up my spreadsheet.
Yeah? Well, put this in your spreadsheet.
Trey is having a party. Everyone I know is invited.
Beloved, ladies' favorite Wesley Washington has not been invited.
So, what does it say? Does not compute, right?
Um...Maybe Trey doesn't want you there?
Want me there?
Yes, he obviously wants me there, like you were just saying.
So, this must all be nothing but an oversight.
- That wasn't what I was... - All I gotta do is send him a text.
Remind him of my existence, you know?
"Yo, Trey, it's Wes, what's up?"
- [sms sent] - And we're done. Thank you, Skyler.
- [phone chimes] - [audience laughing]
"Nothing much. Later."
"Nothing much. Later"? What kind of invitation is that?
And invitation to stay home.
[scoffs] Stupid spreadsheet.
- [audience laughing loud] - [theme music]
Okay, all right. Businesswoman on the premises.
That's right.
What are you doing tonight, now that Mama's going to work?
Well, I guess I won't be going to Curtis Keller's new spot...with Mama,
'cause Mama didn't invite me to Curtis Keller's new spot.
Are you pouting?
No, I'm not pouting, I'm just literally...keeping it real.
- [audience laughing] - [doorbell rings]
It's Malik.
- [audience laughing] - Hey, Malik.
[Malik] Hey.
Veronica, Malik is here.
Looking fly and community organized, as always!
Thanks, Mrs. Washington. Hey, Mr. Washington.
- Malik. - [audience laughing]
[sighs] Well, while we're waiting,
anything else you'd like to take from my home without asking?
[audience laughing]
- Oh, hey, Veronica. - Hey.
Do you need a few extra minutes?
We're a little late, but it looks like you have to tuck in your...
- your everything. - [audience laughing]
- Actually, can we just stay in tonight? - Why?
Well, there's this documentary on child brides in Afghanistan,
I'd really like to watch.
[audience laughing]
No. I really want to take you to someplace special,
because...I love you.
Ugh. Fine.
- [audience laughing] - [footsteps]
Okay, wish me luck, babe.
[sighs]
Have fun, babe. Crush it.
I know you will.
[phone vibrates]
[audience laughing]
Arsenio, where you at?
All right. Coming right now.
[audience laughing]
Hey.
Oh, wow! Fancy suit tonight, huh? What, you going to a wedding or something?
Nope. Just a dinner. How about you?
- Still no invite? - No.
You know, people are always saying that we live in a crazy time.
But I didn't get just how messed up the world was until this.
You got any new advice other than "get used to it"?
- [horn honks] - Yep!
Never take an open beverage... in another man's Bentley.
- [audience laughing] - How is that useful?
Well, if your life's going well, that'll come up a lot.
- [audience laughing] - [theme music]
Joey would love these oxtail dumplings.
- [audience laughing] - Okay. What am I doing?
Stay in the game, Jusy Jus.
- Justine! - Hey, Maya!
- How you doing? - I'm good. I'm just...
stealing food and talking to myself. [laughs]
Come meet Curtis.
- Oh, yeah! - Curtis!
This is Justine Washington.
The Justine Washington?
- Hi, how are you? - Unbelievable.
I was so excited when Maya told me you were coming.
Not half as excited as I was to get that invite.
I'm a huge fan of MC Joe Speed.
- Of course you are. - Is he here?
Oh, no. Unfortunately, he couldn't make it.
He had to go on a big trip.
To New Jersey.
[audience laughing]
Don't you live in New Jersey?
[laughs] Yeah, so you can imagine.
[audience laughing]
- Oops! - [audience laughing]
Huge event, huh, Arsenio?
This place is tiny! You see my wife, over there?
There's no place, in here, for me to loom in the shadows.
Yeah, this is kind of intimate.
I'm closer to Curtis than I thought I was, man.
How am I supposed to go in there, without my wife seeing me?
Hmm...That's a good point.
- We should just go. - We should go. Yeah, we should leave.
Oh! Oxtail dumplings.
[audience laughing]
I can't leave, without getting a taste of those, man.
- Go get... - No, you go get me one.
- [audience laughing] - Fine!
[audience laughing]
Hi.
- [guests chattering] - [audience laughing]
[mouthing]
[audience laughing]
Hi.
Um...I just...One, two, mm-hmm! [nodding thank you]
[audience laughing]
- [Justine] Arsenio? - [surprised] Justine.
Justine! Ahem! How you doing, girl?
What are you doing here? I mean, who you with?
Um...All by my lonesome, you know me. [laughs]
Are those...all for you?
Yeah. Yeah, Just. I love dumplings.
I'm a...
- dumpling...[mutters] - [audience laughing]
So, I laid some really good groundwork with Curtis,
and I think, later, I'm gonna seal that deal.
Oh, that's so cool, Justine!
- What's...What are you doing? - What?
- You're moving. - I'm not moving.
This is one of those revolving restaurants, just trying to stay in place.
- [laughs] - Hmm!
Okay, what...what's going on?
It just changed direction. Did you feel that?
Who is driving this thing?
Oh! Croquettes!
[grunts] MC Joe Speed?
Hey, everybody!
It's MC Joe Speed!
[audience laughing]
Hi.
[theme music]
Gavin Dassy, huh?
Gavin Dassy.
Gavin Dassy?
Trey invited frickin' Gassy Dassy and not me!
[audience laughing]
Hey, I was wondering about the reservation.
Yes, if we're there in 20 minutes, do you think you could still seat us?
[sighs] Look, we're gonna eat a lot, okay?
My girlfriend looks tiny, but she eats like ten men.
[audience laughing]
[sighs] Yes, I'll hold.
I've crunched the numbers, and it's clear there's only one choice for me.
It's Fenster Prep.
- It's a boarding school. - What's a boarding school?
It's a school where you sleep away from your family
and basically never see them again.
- And that's where you wanna go? - It's not what I want.
It's what the brochure analysis algorithm wants.
Party of the century. Yeah, right, Trey.
- I wanna go to the party of the century. - [audience laughing]
I know this is big. You can cry, if you want to.
Big sister going away.
A lot of people would cry.
[audience laughing]
Not there yet? Okay.
In the meantime, I do have parting gifts for each and every one of you.
Not you, Malik.
[audience laughing]
Daevon, for you,
I have a racist statuette of an Asian person
that Dad gave me last year.
So you always remember.
- [lowering voice] So you always remember. - [audience laughing]
Still nothing, huh?
[exhales] I am fun.
I am loved.
Am I not as fun and loved, as I think I am?
No, you're not.
And that's my parting gift to you. The gift...of honesty.
[audience laughing]
Look at the whack shoes that Trey has on at his own party. Ugh!
Trey's shoe game has always been weak. That's exactly
what I was telling Ron last Friday when...
Wait. That's why I wasn't invited!
Look, I dissed Trey's shoe game to Ron, and Ron must've told Trey what I said.
You know, I'm gonna go make this right. I gotta go to the party to apologize.
- [audience laughing] - [door closing]
Am I...babysitting you all?
[audience laughing]
[Curtis] So...
MC Joe Speed! What's it like being a rap star?
Man, I'm retired.
What's it like being retired?
- [audience laughing] - [mumbling]
Excuse me, can I talk to him for a sec?
Ow!
Joey, what are you doing here? You said, you weren't coming.
I said, I wasn't coming here with you.
Because you...didn't invite me here.
Arsenio did. It was a little verbal loophole.
In a more lighthearted mood, you might've thought that was clever.
Well, the mood I'm in, now, they might find your body out back...
in the dumpster.
- Do you want me to go? - No.
'Cause if you leave now, it'll look weird.
So go in the corner and eat and talk with Arsenio.
Other than that, you're invisible.
- You got it? - Yeah, I'm invisible. No problem.
Arsenio, come, have a seat.
- I'm in trouble. Sit. - [audience laughing]
Why I gotta sit in the corner? I'm totally allowed to be here.
Because my wife said so, we have to sit.
Yes, that's what we do.
And I'm not gonna be around on Christmas.
And I'm not gonna be around on your birthday.
[audience laughing]
Okay, Malik, I'm ready.
Wait.
I'm wearing suede shoes, and there's a 7% chance of rain.
I can't risk it. Let me go change.
Okay, don't bother. We're already an hour and half late for the reservation.
Oh! Why didn't you tell me we were in a rush?
What is going on, Veronica? You said, you wanted to try this place.
- Yeah, but come on. - Come on what?
- Well, not under these circumstances. - What circumstances?
You know what circumstances. Come on. I know you got it. Give me the ring.
- Where is it? - What you talking about? What ring?
The ring you're trying to put on it, Malik.
[audience laughing]
I'm not ready to get married.
Then...don't get married. What does that have to do with me?
- Don't play dumb. I saw your secret stash. - What secret stash?
The secret stash in your drawer, near your closet...
where I found...this.
Why are you going through...
Please, don't bring up valid points about personal privacy right now?
- [sighs] - What is this about?
It's not about me, proposing to you.
Well, then, what is it, you sicko?
I'm embarrassed.
Hey,
it's me. You can tell me.
It's so shameful.
Okay, now, you're really scaring me. What is it?
[sighs]
I modeled.
[audience laughing]
You what?
I took a modeling job, and I'm sorry.
I know that you think modeling is stupid and superficial and...
We think modeling is stupid and superficial.
Well, you sort of say, we should be model citizens, right?
You know that's not what that means.
I know. I just...
I wanted to start making some real money, so I could take you to nicer places.
Like the place we didn't go tonight
because of your sweat pants and your suede shoes
and your 15-minute virus?
Okay, I guess it all makes sense now. But why do you have a subscription?
Okay, I was too embarrassed to pick it up from the newsstand,
but I wanted to see how it came out, because I'm also, apparently, very vain.
That'll be on 58 and 59. [laughs]
Wow.
A whole spread, huh?
Well, what can I say? They liked what they saw, you know what I'm saying?
So do I.
You two are getting pretty friendly there.
Okay, it was our wedding day.
- [audience laughing] - That's true.
- [audience applauding] - [sniffles]
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, too.
[sniffles]
Really? That got you?
[crying] They love each other, so hard.
- [audience laughing] - [theme music]
- [doorbell] - [party music playing]
- [chattering] - [music playing]
Wes, what are you doing here?
Look, man, I want to apologize.
I was wrong to be so judgmental, about your style.
Okay, we don't see eye-to-eye kicks-wise, but...
I shouldn't have told Ron that they look like if Trader Joe's made a generic shoe.
- So, are we good? - No!
We're not good. I had no idea you felt that way, about my kicks.
You didn't? So, why wouldn't you invite me to your party, man?
Because...
I want to get with Jessica.
And with you here, it'd just be too much competition.
Oh! [laughs]
Oh, the world makes sense again.
- All right. Can I come in, man? - No!
What? Come on! Let me just say a quick word to Jessica.
[screaming] No! Get out!
Trey!
I've always been an inventor, but society sticks you in a box.
All you are is just a gorgeous face and a ultra-kicking body.
Sad.
Meanwhile, I have this idea, that's getting ready to change the world.
Ah, you don't want to hear about that.
No! What is it?
Okay, between us, right? 'Cause this thing is about to go.
If you ever go into the clubs, minding your own business,
when somebody bumps you and spills your drink, all over the place.
But that wouldn't happen if you had...
[audience laughing]
If you had...
if you had...
Gotcha.
Hip-Hop Sip-Stop.
Get 'em, Just!
You just pop it on...
and it's here to save the day.
It saved my day. If I didn't have it,
I would've spilled in the back of Arsenio Hall's Bentley.
Never take an open container in another man's Bentley.
You got that right. Ladies and gentlemen,
Justine Washington, the creator of this baby and my babies.
But don't pay me no mind. I'm invisible.
I'm gone. Excuse me.
You didn't see me. I was never here.
[theme music]
Man, Curtis loved your idea.
I know. I killed it!
And thanks for saving my butt.
[exhales] I am handy to have around.
That doesn't change the fact that you shouldn't have been around.
I know. I should have respected your wishes.
I was selfish, but, babe, I'm famous.
We're notoriously selfish.
You got that right.
From now on, I'm gonna let you fly solo, and I'm gonna fall back,
and I promise, I'll learn the art of...
Hey, where's my Joey?
I can't find him. Where is he?
I can't find him.
Why is that hat floating in mid-air?
Oh, my God, you're back. What happened?
It's a really funny story. I went to Trey's...
Not you, Veronica!
Are we planning a wedding?
No, it turns out, he just posed for the magazine.
You're dating a model?
I know. I'm so superficial.
Slash awesome.
Mom and Dad,
I need to tell you something, and this is gonna be hard.
I analyzed all the schools, and it's undeniable.
The best one, for me, is a boarding school.
- No. - No.
Wow.
You denied the undeniable. I did not see that coming.
- So, you're not leaving? - No.
[sobbing]
Don't you dare!
- [audience laughing] - [theme music]
♪ That...that...that's who you are ♪
♪ Mm-hmm, you're a star! ♪
[theme music playing]